I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
