He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
