I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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