You're earring is so big in my mouth
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
