In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Everclear isn't food dammit
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