Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
