If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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