So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
