I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
