i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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