I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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