I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
