Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
