btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
