maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize