I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
