Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
