I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
