I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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