i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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