I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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