Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Randomize
