I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
