You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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