People in love make me want to vomit
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
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