I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
