Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
