Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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