is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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