Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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