you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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