u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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