it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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