Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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