It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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