I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
