Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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