I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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