dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
