You made me cry and you don't even care
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
