I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
