if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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