Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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