It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
