i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
