make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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