Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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