Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
