So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
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