he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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