I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I skipped work to stalk him.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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