the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
