I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
