You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Randomize
