Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
