I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
