There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I want a musical about memes.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
