Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
