Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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