she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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