I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
