The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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